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My Journey w/ Grief - A Spare

A Spare

A Spare

Christians unknown to us hear the news
they freely enter were angels fear to tread
“I am sorry for your loss”
then driven on by a desire, a need
to make sense of our situation
to smash our circumstances into their god box
they ask “how old was your son”
18 years old, just started college
“Oh I am so sorry”
“How many children do you have”
Nathan was one of four
OH
they exclaim
fighting hard to conceal their satisfaction
they have uncovered the reason
the reason
why God would allow such calamity to crush us
You still have three left to love to watch grow to be with
They say none of this but merely
“you are blessed to have 3 other children”
yes, that is true we acknowledge
but choke on these words
of
supposed comfort
and
keen insight
I want to scream Nathan was not a spare child
an extra kid
one lost among the herd of four
he was our son
unique
special
one of a kind
we did not merely lose one of four
our heart has been ripped out
our family disfigured
he was not a spare
he was a part of us

to lose him causes pain beyond words
he was not a spare
he was an irreplaceable part of our lives
no matter
how many other children we may have
we are tortured by our senseless loss


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